Pwcapone Presents: Red vs Blue:Blood Gulch Tales
by pwcapone
Summary: It's the internet smash, red vs. blue. While the blues debate on the legitamacy of Tucker's invented word, the reds are planning an attack that could finish the blues for good. Will the Blues survive? Will Sarge finally see Grif die? Will Caboose find h
1. Prolouge:The Growing American Languauge

So this is the first scene I ever wrote based on Red vs. Blue. It was based on a similar experience that I had in real life. Even if you're not familiar with Red vs. Blue you may still enjoy this. I've actually written several episodes following this, so expect chapters to form. This is sort of the standalone part of the story, with the plot (if you can call it that) following in the next few entries. So enjoy.

-Tucker and Church are standing outside the blue base, having one of their dumb conversations, Caboose and Tex are together off in the background -

Tucker: "...so I said, Hey bitch! You don't know what you're missing! Get the hell out of here!  
Church: Yeah, and what happened to her?  
Tucker: I don't know, I think she married some doctor, or something.  
Church: Huh, so a good call on her part.  
Tucker: What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
Church: Well, let's face it Tucker, you're not exactly the cream of the crop.   
Tucker: You now what Church, you are such a fucking ass-jack!  
-Church silently stares at Tucker  
Tucker silently stares back-  
Church: ...I'm sorry, what was that?  
Tucker: What?  
Church: You meant to say jackass, right?  
Tucker: No..., I said ass-jack.  
Church: What the hell is an ass-jack?  
Tucker: It's this bitchin new word I made up!  
Church: Made up? You just flipped around jack ass! That's not making up a word! What if I went around calling people a fucker of mothers, or bag of douche, or a bitch of a son! I'd sound like a fuckin retard! It's not a good insult!  
Tucker: No man! It's a legitimate word.  
Church: Alright, then what does it mean?  
Tucker: What it means?  
Church: Yeah, since you seem to have a good enough grasp of the English language to go around making up words whenever the hell you feel like it, I'm sure you've made a good definition for your fancy new word.  
Tucker: Okay. An ass-jack...is ...someone...who...jacks ass?  
Church: Yeah, nice. Not only do you have no definition, that is the worst insult ever. That couldn't offend anyone.  
Tucker: Oh yeah! I bet it could offend just about anyone here.  
Church: Alright, you're on. Go over there and use it on Tex.  
Tucker: On Tex! Have you fucking lost it! You remember what happened last week when you asked her if she was on her period?  
Church: Oh, yeah. That was not fun.  
Tucker: Incidentally, did you ever manage to get that fork out?  
Church: No. No I didn't.  
Tucker: Maybe you should go see a gynecologist about that.  
Church: You mean a proctologist.  
Tucker: No, in your case we would need a gynecologist.  
Church: Hey shut the fuck up and stop stalling. If you won't insult Tex, I guess Caboose will have to do. HEY, CABOOSE!  
-Caboose walks over-  
Caboose: Hey guys! Tex was just telling me this funny story about a fork.  
Church: Yeah, shut up. Caboose, Tucker has something he wants to say to you.  
Caboose:-turns toward Tucker- Oh, what is it?  
Tucker: -Dramatic pause- Caboose, I thought that you should know, that you are ... a gigantic... ass-jack.  
Caboose: -stares at Tucker- Ass-jacks? I eat that cereal! Doesn't taste very good though. -Walks back over to Tex-  
Church: -Laughs at Tucker- Oh man Tucker, you sure told him! I hope he can manage to cry himself to sleep!  
Tucker: Yeah you know what? You can just go to hell! Ass-jack.  
Church: Fucker of mothers.

-end scene-


	2. Chapter 1: Strategy and MrT

-At the red base, a strategy meeting is wrapping up-

Sarge:...so that's the plan. Any questions?  
Grif: I have one, why are you only sending me and Donut? Wouldn't this plan work better if all four of us went?  
Simmons: yeah Sarge, we're not exactly sending in the A-team!  
Donut: The A-team? We're going to pretend to be the A-team!  
Grif: No dumb ass, the plan is...  
Donut: I call Mr. T!  
Simmons: See what I mean Sarge.  
Sarge: Well you see Simmons, when Grif's stupidity inevitably causes the plan to fail...  
Grif: Go to hell...  
Sarge: ...we will only lose him and Private Primrose over there.  
Donut: I pity the fool who doesn't like Mr. T.!  
Grif: I wasn't saying I didn't like Mr.T, I'm just saying the plan doesn't involve the A-team!  
Donut: -punches Grif-  
Grif: Holy Shit! What the hell man?  
Donut: Take that Rocky Balboa! You can't beat Clubber Lang!  
Grif:... -profound  
Sarge:... silence-  
Simmons...I see your point Sarge, no real loss there  
Sarge: If they fail, we won't have to put up with this sort of nonsense anymore, and in the slim chance that they succeed, we'll take full credit as the creative team behind the plan, completely screwing them over!  
Simmons: That's my kind of plan Sarge!  
Sarge: Right Simmons, if this works, we'll be promoted and taken out of this hellhole.  
Simmons: Uh, yeah, Sarge, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Why do you want to leave?  
Sarge: What do you mean?  
Simmons: Yeah, this may be the best job we've ever had. Those blues guys hardly ever attack, you pretty much just get to spend all your time finding new ways to incorporate various household appliances into my cyborg body... by the way, your toast is done.  
Sarge: I never thought of it that way... I guess it's a good thing that there isn't a chance in a frozen hell that this plan will. I'm not even bothered lying about it. You two are screwed ten ways to Sunday!  
Grif: Nice to get some encouragement from our officer...  
Donut: Uh, Sarge, it's already Sunday...  
Sarge: What! We're behind schedule! You two get going! And remember, if in doubt, using yourself as a human bomb would be a perfectly acceptable strategy!  
Grif: You know what? A gruesome death would be more pleasant than listening to you anymore. Let's go Donut.  
Donut:...  
Grif: What? Aren't you going to do some random Mr. T reference and punch me in the face?  
Donut: That was the plan, but aside from the A-team and Rocky, I can't think of anything else Mr. T did!  
Grif: Yeah, well, that's because Mr. T sucks!  
Donut: -Punches Grif -  
-end of part 1-  
-Coming up next, part 2: What the Hell is The Plan Anyway?-


	3. Ch 2: What the hell's the plan anyway

Right, so here's part 2.

part two: What the hell is the plan anyway?

--Grif and Donut are crouching just out of sight of blue base--  
Grif: Okay, you ready Donut?Donut: Yes...no...maybe?  
Grif: You forgot the plan, didn't you?  
Donut: No...yes...maybe?  
Grif: Do you need me to go over it again real quick?  
Donut: Maybe?... ye --interrupted by Grif--  
Grif: Yeah, shut up. Here's the plan. We're going to sneak into the blue base, download all their secret plans, and then we're going to destroy the base.  
Donut: Did you say sneaking?  
Grif: What... NO! I did not say...  
Donut: Like a spy!  
Grif: **_NO!_** Under no circumstances will there any type of spying, you remember what happened last time you were doing that spy stuff!  
Donut: But you said there would be sneaking! Sneaking, is a crucial part, of spying.  
Grif: No spying. We will be doing no spying whatsoever. None of the plan involves anything that could be considered spy activities!  
Donut: What about the sneaking...and stealing secret plans...and blowing up an enemy base... that all sounds like spy stuff to me.  
Grif: Well you're an idiot. This is the army, not the British secret service.  
Donut: Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, we don't even get any kick ass gadgets.  
Grif: ...  
Donut: Wait, do we get gadgets? We get gadgets!  
Grif: Well, we do have this code breaker to help crack into their computer, and um we have...-- mumbles--  
Donut: Sorry, didn't catch that last part.  
Grif: We have these alternate sets of clothing, to help us not be recognized.  
Donut: You mean disguises...WE GET DISGUISES? Wait, why do we need disguises?  
Grif: Well, it should be easy to get past most of them, but that black ops chick they have over there is pretty sharp, and is probably the only person in this canyon who's actually killed anyone, so we want to avoid her if we can.  
Donut: So let me get this straight: While in disguise, we have to sneak into the enemy base, steal their secret plans, blow up their base, and somewhere along the way we may have to fight a sexy female assassin?  
Grif: Err, yes, that sounds about right.  
Donut: Wow, this is going to be the best spy movie ever!  
Grif: God, just kill me now. Or better yet, kill him.  
--end of part 2--  
--Up next, part 3: The worst spy move ever!--  
--coming soon--


	4. Ch 3: The Worst Spy Movie Ever

Part 3: The Worst Spy Movie Ever!

--just out of sight of blue base, Grif and Donut prepare to make their move……..about fucking time if you ask me--

Grif: Alright Donut, do you have your camouflage working yet?  
Donut: I think so, how do I look?  
Grif: Perfect, you look just like him, now turn on the voice filter and say something.  
Donut:--in Caboose's voice-- I'm really stupid, so stupid that I kill my own teammates.  
Grif:………………wow, I got to say, that was, absolutely, PERFECT! You sound just like him!  
Donut: Ok, do yours!  
Grif: Alright, lets give this a try…click --in Church's voice-- I'm a fucking pansy who dies every time I step outside. Yep, that sounds perfect. Alright what are they doing right now? Go take a look.  
--donut peeks over hill to listen to the blue's conversation--  
Tucker: You know what Church, you are such a fucking ass-jack!  
Church: --Silently stares at Tucker--  
Tucker: --Silently stares back--  
Church: ...I'm sorry, what was that?  
Tucker: What?  
Church: You meant to say jackass, right?  
Tucker: No..., I said ass-jack.  
Church: What the hell is an ass-jack?  
--ducks back down--  
Grif: Well what did you hear?  
Donut: Something about jacking someone's ass…..  
Grif: Man, I thought those guys were weird already, but now there's this homosexual stuff too. I mean it's not fair that the only base with a chick is full of these gay guys. C'mon, let's get this over with.  
--While Church, Tucker, and Caboose are talking, Grif and Donut sneak across the background into the base--  
Caboose: Hey guys! Tex was just telling me this funny story about a fork.  
Church: Yeah, shut up. Caboose, Tucker has something he wants to say to you.  
Caboose:turns toward Tucker Oh, what is it?  
Tucker: Dramatic pause Caboose, I thought that you should know, that you are,... a gigantic... ass-jack.  
Caboose: stares at Tucker Ass-jacks? I eat that cereal! Doesn't taste very good though.

--inside blue base--  
Grif: Well, we're inside. That was easy. Of course it would have to be, you've done it by yourself before.  
Donut: The key is to not realize that they're trying to kill me, it's worked so far.  
Grif: Ignorance is bliss, huh?  
Donut: Yeah, it's the best. I did my best work when I had no idea what was going on.  
Grif: Well, whatever works for you man. Let's see if we can find their computer.  
Donut: You know, this looks a lot like our base, just, bluer. Could use some drapes, maybe a plant or two.  
Grif: Okay, here it is. Alright let's try out this code breaker.  
Donut: Oh, how does it work!  
Grif: You really want to know? What happened to ignorance is bliss?  
Donut: Don't worry, odds are I won't really pay attention anyway.  
Grif: Oh, well okay then. Thiscode breaker will scan the computer for the password. It'll start at 0 and work it's way up, so eventually we'll find the password by process of elimination. Do you understand Donut? ... Donut?--Donut is facing a wall and muttering to himself--………….**_DONUT!_**  
Donut: AH! Oh sorry, what were we talking about?  
Grif: What the hell are doing over there?  
Donut: Well, I certainly wasn't planning on putting pink drapes over here, if that's what you're suggesting.  
--sounds of walking, shadow appears just outside the room--  
Grif: Someone's coming! Quick, turn the voice filter back on!  
--Caboose walks in--  
Caboose: Hey Church, hey Caboose.  
Grif: Uhm, hey.  
Donut: Right back at yah buddy!  
Grif:--whispering-- Don't push it….  
Caboose: Hey, have either of you seen my extra pair of mittens? I've got a feeling I might be needing them soon…..  
Grif: How the fuck should I know where your mittens are?  
Caboose: Oh. What about you, have you seen them?  
Donut: Hey, if I knew where they were, you wouldn't be looking for them, cause you would already know where they are, because I'm you, not some red guy.  
Caboose: Huh, that's right. Thanks. Gosh, I'm the smartest guy I know.  
--leaves the room--  
Grif: Wow Donut, you actually out smarted someone. I didn't think you had it in you. I hope he doesn't find those mittens anytime soon.  
Donut: Don't worry, I know where the mittens are!  
Grif: Really! How do you know that?  
Donut: Cause I already stole them. I guess sometimes you just can't trust yourself with these things.  
Grif: Yeah, you said it.  
Donut: Sometimes you're your own worst enemy!  
Grif: okay…….  
Donut: You should keep your friends close….  
Grif: Donut…..  
Donut: and yours enemies closer……  
Grif: I get it Donut.  
Donut: ….but yourself closest!  
Grif: **_SHUT THE FUCK UP DONUT!_**  
--Meanwhile--  
Sarge: Simmons, do you think Grif is dead yet?  
Simmons: I sure hope so Sarge, I already moved my furniture into his room and changed the drapes!

--End of part 3--  
--Up next, part 4: Not-so-secret plans!--  
--coming soon--


	5. Ch 4 Not So Secret Plans

Part 4: Not So Secret Plans  
--Inside the blue base, the reds are finally making strides on their plan to sabotage the blues base. They're certainly doing better than they usually do--

Donut: God, this is taking forever! That stupid blue guy keeps coming back, asking about his mitten! I almost wish I hadn't stolen it now.  
Grif: Don't worry, I thought of a way to keep him out of our hair for awhile. He should be gone for at least a few hours!  
Donut: Really? What's he doing?

--outside, Caboose is spinning around in circles while staring at the ground. After watching this for about fifteen seconds, Tucker walks up. He stares at Caboose for another fifteen seconds or so before speaking--  
Tucker: Caboose?  
Caboose: Yes?  
Tucker: What the… what the hell are you doing?  
Caboose: --while still running in circles-- church told me that my mitten is stuck to my butt, therefore...I am...trying...to catch it.  
Tucker: --stares at Caboose for another long stretch-- Alright, well, good luck with that.

--Walks away--  
Caboose: Thanks, Tucker

back inside

Grif: Alright, let's try out this code breaker.  
Donut: How does it work?  
Grif: Hey, I just told you that. If you've already forgotten, you're an idiot.  
Donut: Oh, well I remember now.  
Grif: Do you really remember, or are you just saying you remember?  
Donut: I really…truly…. remember.  
Grif: Alright then, what do you remember?  
Donut:………….. I forgot.  
Grif: Nice. Anyway, let's try this bad boy out.  
Code breaker on  
Grif: Okay, this may take awhile, so be on your guard.  
Code deciphered  
Grif: Huh, already?  
Donut: Whew, good thing too. I couldn't keep my guard up much longer.  
Grif: Okay, let's see what the code is.  
on the computer screen, the number 6 is flashing  
Grif: Six! The password for the blue base mainframe is six! A single digit password!  
Donut: The password for my bike lock is longer than that!  
Grif: You have a bike? Why have I never seen it?  
Donut: I think Sarge used the wheels in Lopez and Simmons bodies.  
Grif: What? Why would he need wheels?  
Donut: Don't you know anything Grif? Hamsters are useless without wheels. Duh.  
Grif: Oh, okay…..wait…..hamsters?  
Donut: Yeah, we ran out of batteries ages ago! Just about everything at the base runs on hamster power.  
Grif: I guess that explains why everything in the base smells like rodent crap. Wait, what about the microwave?  
Donut: Hamsters.  
Grif: The washing machine?  
Donut: Hamsters.  
Grif:……...My electric toothbrush?  
Donut: Definitely a hamster. Didn't you ever wonder why it was so big?  
Grif… Yeah…..but…...ugh, never mind. Why the hell would they only have a single digit pass code?  
Donut: It's a really good idea! No one can only push one button!  
Grif: Yeah, these guys are criminal masterminds!

--outside--  
--the "criminal masterminds" are watching caboose, who is still spinning around in circles. Another nice little fifteen second silence before Tex speaks--  
Tex: How long has he been doing this?  
Tucker: I not sure, a couple of hours at least.  
Tex: You'd think he'd be getting dizzy.  
Caboose: I'm very dizzy. I've throw up five times already.  
Tucker: Dude. Gross.  
Church: which do you think will happen first, he finally just passes out from exhaustion, or he figures out that the mitten isn't there?  
Tucker: Well, he's as tough as he is stupid, so this could probably go on for a good while.  
--Another nice fifteen second silence to watch caboose spinning--  
Tucker: ….I just can't stop looking at it……its mesmerizing…...like a lava lamp……or lesbians.  
--I love these fifteen second gaps where caboose is just spinning, don't you?--  
Church:…...you know what, this is the best time I've had since I got to this god damn canyon.  
Tucker: Yeah, nice work man.  
Church: What?  
Tucker: Good job tricking Caboose into spinning around like this.  
Church: I didn't do that. I thought you did.  
Tucker: It wasn't me...  
Tex: Hey Caboose, who told you the mitten was on your butt?  
Caboose: That would be Church. still spinning  
Tex: And when was this?  
Caboose: A few hours ago in the base.  
Church: I haven't been in the base today.  
Tex: Caboose, are you sure it was Church?  
Caboose: Positive. But Caboose helped too.  
Tex: You mean it was just you and Church?  
Caboose: No, it was me and Church and Caboose.  
Tex: Wait, how many people were in the room?  
Caboose: there were three of us.  
Tex: Uh oh.  
Church: I' sure it' nothing, Caboose can'treally count that well under normal circumstances, and he' been spinning around for hours.  
Tex: Well, maybe we should go check it out.  
--you guessed it, fifteen seconds of silence--  
Tex:……..in a little bit.  
Tucker: Seriously guys ...I'm trying to look away….. but I can't….I just…..can't.  
Church: This is great. If only I had seen this earlier, I could have died in peace.

--One, last, fifteen second gap as the gang watches caboose, and the screen fades to black--

--end of part 4--  
--coming up next: part 4: That's Right, He's Still Spinning--  
--coming soon--


	6. Ch 5: He's Still Spinning!

Church and pwcapone (in white armor) are standing in the middle of the gulch

Church: Hi, I'm Church, from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.  
Pwcapone: And I'm Pwcapone…...I'm from Alabama.  
Church: That's all you could come up with? I wouldn't admit I was from Alabama if I was you. They're all a bunch a rednecks.  
Pwcapone: Well, I'm from Huntsville.  
Church: So?  
Pwcapone: Well, it's an actual city, you know.  
Church: And?  
Pwcapone: Uhm, we're not all rednecks there.  
Church: Are you sure? The word "hunt" is actually in the name of the city.  
Pwcapone: Look, can we just get this over with.  
Church: Hey, no need to get all defensive.  
Pwcapone: Alright, thanks.  
Church: You're awfully sensitive for a redneck.  
pwcapone punches church in the face  
Pwcapone: I'M NOT A REDNECK……wow; I just knocked out before we start the next chapter, I thought I would do a quick recap, since it's been a few months since I posted scenes.  
--Church stands up--  
Church: It's been months? You're even lazier than Grif.  
--Punches Church again--

Pwcapone: Anyway, the reds are in the middle of an attempt to steal the Blue's secret plans and destroy their base. Donut and Grif have infiltrated the base disguised as Caboose and Church. Trouble loomed when Caboose discovered them, but Donut and Grif were able to outsmart him. Caboose is now outside, spinning in circles trying to catch his mitten, which he believes is attached to his butt. This distracts the blues while donut and grif crack into the blue base's computer. But the blues have realized something may be wrong and that's what happened in the last four parts. I would actually recommend that you look at the other four chapters first.  
Church: It took you four parts to say all that stuff?  
Pwcapone: Yep, and who knows how long it'll take me to do the rest.  
Church: We have to act out more of this shit? God, just kill me now.  
Pwcapone: Aren't you already dead?  
Church: Yeah, well I'd rather die again than act out more of this half assed crap you keep putting out.  
Pwcapone: Thanks for the support, you bitch. Here's Chapter 5.

Pwcapone presents: A scene with more than one part  
Part 5: That's Right, He's Still Spinning!

--Simmons and Sarge are standing on the roof of the red base. Simmons is looking through the sniper rifle--

Sarge: What do you see? Has Grif died an extremely painful and agonizing death yet?  
Simmons: I don't think so, all the blue guys are standing outside doing……….something.  
Sarge: What are they doing?  
Simmons: I……… don't'……….know.  
Sarge: Are they preparing an all-out offensive?  
Simmons: No.  
Sarge: Are they having gay and slash or lesbian sex?  
Simmons: No….. wait…...maybe.  
Sarge: Alright, I want you to describe exactly what you see.  
Simmons: Okay. Three of them are just standing there.  
Sarge: Okay  
Simmons: And the fourth one is spinning in circles.  
Sarge: You mean he's circling the base on patrol?  
Simmons: No, he's just standing in one spot, spinning in circles, and it looks life every once and awhile he smacks his own ass.  
--awkward silence--  
Sarge: Is it possible that he could be dancing on Grif's grave?  
Simmons: I don't think so.  
Sarge: --sighs-- Every time we watch those idiots, I lose a little more faith in the military.  
Simmons: What do you want to do Sarge?  
Sarge: Well, as much as I enjoy this essentially combat free existence we have here, it's about time we went on a murderous rampage and killed all opposition!...and Grif.  
Simmons: Sounds like a plan Sarge.  
Sarge: Damn right its a plan! Now prep the warthog, round up some ammo, and find my seat warmer. It's chilly out.  
Simmons: Yes sir!

--Inside the blue base--

Grif: Okay, let's see what the blues have got in this computer of theirs.  
Donut: I hope they don't look at the same websites that you do.  
Grif: Uhmm, Donut, let's not talk about that right now.  
Donut: It's okay, I respect your tastes, I just don't want to look at the sick, freakish stuff that you like.  
Grif: Thanks, I think. Now let's get to work on a computer.  
Donut: Okay…………………………. Why would someone want to do that with a horse anyway?  
Grif: Donut!  
Donut: Right, the computer. Let's see.  
Grif: Any secret plans? Military strategies? Weapon schematics?  
Donut: No, but there are a bunch of recipes for muffins.  
Grif: Is that all?  
Donut: No, it looks like there some diary entries here. Dear Diary, Church just doesn't understand my feelings, when he insults me, it really cuts deep. If he ever wants us to have an open and meaningful relationship, he'll have to learn to respect my feelings…  
Grif: What a whiney bitch. Who is this chick?  
Donut: ….Sincerely, Tucker.  
Grif: That's an odd name for a chick. Isn't there anything interesting in here?  
Donut: No, just more pages about how he isn't appreciated, and how no one understands that his acting out is just so he'll be noticed.  
Grif: Ugh, what a pussy. Well, keep looking, we've got plenty of time.

--Outside--

Tex: Let's storm the place.  
Tucker: Yeah, lets kick some ass.  
Church: Tucker, shut up. You couldn't kick my grandmother's ass if she was blindfolded  
Tucker: aside and to himself sniff.¦.. my pride…. it hurts….. Why must he hurt me?  
Church: We can't just storm the place. We have no idea what's going on in there.  
Tex: What are you talking about? It's probably just a couple of those red guys.  
Church: I don't know, this seems pretty smart for them. I don't think they have the mental capacity to form this kind of plan, let alone outsmart anyone.  
Tucker: Uhm, they outsmarted Caboose. That isn't that hard.  
Tex: Where is Caboose? You didn't leave him over there did you?  
Church: That's right, he's still spinning. I figured why ruin a good thing over something as stupid as an invasion of our base

--further outside--

--Caboose is still spinning--  
Caboose: Wait a second, how would my mitten get stuck to my butt? I don't think I've ever sat down. We don't have any chairs! That must mean….that I was lying to myself! But why would I do that? I'm such a nice guy.  
--Caboose stops spinning. Finally--  
Caboose: Wait, what if that wasn't me...but he looks just like me. Argh! This is so confusing.

--Furthest outside--

--Sarge and Simmons are in the Warthog, heading toward Blue base--

Sarge: Grif better be dead or dying, because I'm going to kill everyone I see.  
Simmons: Save some for me sir!

--End of Chapter 5--

--Coming Up Next: Chapter 6: It's just like that episode of Star Trek, but without the bitching uniforms!--  
--Coming Soon--


	7. Ch 6: It's like Star Trek

--The blues have now all gathered together outside of their base. --

Church: Okay, no more of this fucking around. Let's come up with a plan to take back our base.  
Tucker: Isn't us trying to come up with a plan just a lesser form of fucking around?  
Church: Not if we're actually productive for a change.  
Tucker: (sarcastic tone) Oh, yeah, I'm sure we can be productive. And later pigs might fly out of my butt.  
Caboose: Can that actually happen?  
Tucker: Err, no.  
Caboose: Then why would you say that?  
Tucker: Because it was funny.  
Tex: It wasn't funny. It was kinda gross.  
Tucker: That's not gross. You without your armor, now that's gross.  
--Tex cocks her gun--  
Tucker: Whoa, I was just kidding.  
Caboose: I wish you hadn't said it. I got all excited about bacon.  
Tucker; Let me get this straight Caboose, you got excited about bacon…  
Caboose: Yes.  
Tucker:…..which came from pigs….  
Caboose: Yes.  
Tucker:…which flew out of my ass.  
Caboose: Yes.  
Tucker: So in other words, you got excited about my ass bacon.  
Caboose: Doesn't bacon come from a pig's ass anyway?  
Tex: Well, I think Tucker would count as a pig.  
Church: It would appear that once again, we are fucking off. I can't believe I've died for this army three times.  
Tucker: I can't believe you keep coming back. Why don't you just go ahead and go to the afterlife?  
Church: Because there is no doubt in my mind that I would go to Hell.  
Tucker: Oh, that's a good reason.

--Latino music, which started playing a softly a few lines earlier, becomes loud--

Tex: What is that noise?  
Tucker: It reminds me of running and bullets….  
Church: Oh no, it's that god damn fucking jeep!

--The jeep comes flying over a hill, guns blazing and Latino music blaring --

Simmons: Yeah! Suck it blues!  
Sarge: No surrenders this time Simmons! Don't stop firing until the ground bleeds blue.  
Simmons: Yes sir!  
--The blues take cover behind a rock. Simmons does that thing where he just fires at the rock.--

Church: My God! As if the hailstorm of bullets wasn't bad enough, do they have to be playing that goddamned music?  
Caboose: I don't understand! Why are the Mario Brothers trying to kill us?  
Tucker: Those aren't the Mario brothers. The Mario brothers are Italian. These guys seem to be Mexican.  
Caboose: What the hell is the difference?  
Tucker: You retard, the difference is….is…..Church?  
Church: What!  
Tucker: What's the difference between a Mexican and an Italian.  
Church is obviously seething in silent rage  
Church: What….the fuck….. does it MATTER! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!  
Tucker: So you don't know.  
Church: God damn it Tucker! We don't have time for this shit.  
Tucker: Why don't you just admit that you don't know?  
Church: God! I guess it has something to do with pizza. Or quesadillas. I am sick of this shit! Lets just make a break for it. 1…2….  
Tucker: Wait! On three, or three and then go.  
Church: Three and then go. What kind of fucktard goes on three? 1….2…..3…..GO!

Tucker, Caboose, and Tex start running for the base. Church doesn't move. He watches as bullets whiz buy and the grenades explode near the others.

Church: Now to sneak around back. It's probably things like this that are going to land me in hell.

-The Warthog stops firing-

Sarge: Damn. Those sneaky blues managed to get back inside.  
Simmons: Sneaky? They just ran through all that gunfire. That's not very sneaky.  
Sarge: Running right through the bullets is the last thing we ever would have expected! Only a genius could have thought up that plan.  
Simmons: Or a retard.  
Sarge: Alright Simmons, after them.  
Simmons: What do you mean, after them?  
Sarge: Drive the warthog into the base.  
Simmons: Uhm, Sarge? I don't think the warthog will fit through that door.  
Sarge What! Are you questioning my flawless strategy? Drive!  
Simmons: Yes sir!

--The Warthog drives into the base, and explodes.--  
--Inside the base, all the lights go out. Its pitch black.--  
Grif: Hey, what happened to the lights?  
Donut: Oh, no! I'm afraid of the dark……and democrats.  
Caboose: Don't worry, I'm a socialist!  
Tucker: I should of know a guy from Iowa would be a commie.  
Tex: Whose hand is that!  
Tucker: its mine baby! How does that feel!  
Tex: Get. It. Off. Now.  
Tucker: What? You don't like it Tex? Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a lesbian.  
--Gunshot--  
Tucker: GAAAAAH!  
Church: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
--the lights come back on. The disguised reds are now indistinguishable from their blue counterparts.--  
Tucker: What the fuck….?  
Tex: Which is which?  
Church1: What the hell. You can't tell it's me! You're a fucking retard.  
Tucker: That sounds like Church…  
Church2: Cock byting motherfucking son of a bitch! I'm Church!  
Tex: …but so does he. lets take a look at these two.  
Caboose1: I'm onto your game. I know your not me this time.  
Caboose2: Well I'm going to blow your mind.  
Caboose1: Blowing is fun.  
Caboose2: Since I believe I'm me and don't believe you're you, and you believe your you but don't believe I'm me, the only logical conclusion is that neither of us exist.  
Tex: That made no sense at all. That could be Caboose.  
Tucker: Yeah, but that blowing comment sounds like something Caboose would say. Man, this is crazy. It's just like that episode of Star Trek, Only Without those bitchin uniforms!  
Tex: You watch Star trek?  
Tucker: uhm, no, I never watch Star Trek…  
Tex: Cause I think Trekkies are hot.  
Tucker: …without putting on my Spock ears first. You know, there's a convention coming up….  
Tex: I knew you watched it. You fucking loser.  
Tucker: You shouldn't play with peoples emotions like that, you frigid bitch.  
--outside, Simmons and Sarge lay among the Warthogs wreckage--  
Sarge: Simmons…  
Simmons: Yes Sarge?  
Sarge: You never get to drive again.  
Simmons: Fine by me…  
Sarge: Must get up….must kill Grif….  
Simmons: And the Blues, right sir?  
Sarge: Who?

--End of part 6--  
--Coming up next: Part 7: The Trial of Michael J. Caboose--  
--Coming Soon--


	8. Ch 7: Trial of Micheal J Caboose

--Outside the blue base, both teams have gathered together. Differences have been put aside for now to determine who is the real Michael J. Caboose!--

Tex: Okay, we've all agreed to a ceasefire until we determine whose who. We wouldn't want to accidentally kill one of our own guys.  
Sarge: Speak for yourself. I don't see why we don't kill all four of them right now. Grif and Donut were useless, and from what I've seen of your guys they weren't much to talk about either.  
Tucker: That's not true, Caboose is….he is…. Well he's an idiot. But Church, he was……..he were both useless.  
Tex: we would like to keep a full team. You can do whatever you want with your guys, but we want our guys alive.  
Tucker: But how are we going to tell them apart.  
Simmons: Why don't we just take off their helmets?  
Tucker: Well…  
Sarge: You see…  
Tex: The thing is…  
Simmons: Wait, none of you have ever seen them without their helmets.  
Tucker: Well what about you? Have you seen them?  
Simmons: No, but I don't give a damn about them anyway.  
Tucker: Wait a sec Tex, didn't you and Church date?  
Tex: Yeah, so?  
Tucker: And you never saw his face?  
Tex: Not once. It to much of a bother to take off all this armor, we just had hatches installed.  
Tucker: You guys have hatches in your armor? I could use one of those.  
Tex: I don't think you would ever have a reason to use it.  
Simmons: Why don't we just do this one at a time. We'll sort out the idiots first.  
Tucker: That won't be hard. Caboose is the stupidest guy I've ever met, I'll spot him in about five seconds.  
Simmons: No one could be stupider than donut, he thought your base was a store.  
Tucker: Yeah, but Caboose thought he was a blue general!  
--silence--  
Tex: This may be harder than we thought.  
Simmons: Where are they anyway?

--inside the base, the two Churchs and Cabooses are all in the hole. It's a tight fit. You can only here their voices--

Caboose2:….and that's when I decided to stop wearing underwear!  
Church2: Oh God. Get the hell off me!  
Church1: What are you so worried about? He's still wearing the armor!  
Church2: The armor they give is paper thin! I can practically feel the heat coming off him.  
Caboose1: I use paper for my underwear!  
Church1: Oh God. Why don't you just use underwear?  
Caboose1: Paper's more absorbent!  
Church1&2: Oh God.

--The others are looking at the hole and listening--

Tucker: This….will be difficult.  
Tex: Alright, dumb and dumber come with us, you two get to stay here.  
Church1: Dammit Tex when I get out of this hole I'm going to be pissed.  
Tex: Yeah, I'm so scared. But you know what? You couldn't possibly be Church. Church is a spineless little pussy.  
Tex and Tucker lead the two Cabooses outside  
Church2: What a bitch.  
Church1: She's no ordinary bitch. She's Satan on a period.  
Church2: A hormonal demon? God help us.

Back outside

Simmons: What should we do when we get Grif and Donut back?  
Sarge: I could care less about Donut. But I have every intention of running Grif's skull over with the Warthog.  
Simmons: Uh, Sarge? The Warthog exploded….again. Remember?  
Sarge: Then Grif will fix the Warthog…and then I will run over his skull.

--Tex, Tucker, Cabooses exit the base--

Tucker: Okay, I think I know how we might be able to tell these guys apart.  
Sarge: What makes you think you're in charge? I'm the highest ranking soldier, I'll come up with the plans, thank you very much.  
Tucker: Okay, go ahead.  
Sarge: Alright then. Simmons, think of a plan.  
Simmons: Already done sir!  
Sarge: That was fast, even for you Simmons. I'm impressed with my plan already.  
Simmons: You're a genius sir!  
Tucker: Oh God….  
Simmons: I have a question that should be able to determine which of these guys is Donut. What color, is this armor?  
a suit of pink armor is lying on the ground  
Caboose1: Pink.  
Caboose2: Light-red.  
Simmons: Right. It's the one in denial.  
Caboose2: I'm not in denial! Pink is a mixture of white and red. This color has a more red.  
Caboose1: When you put it that way, it does look more like light red.  
Simmons: Now I'm not so sure.  
Sarge: Simmons, your plan is a complete failure.  
Simmons: My plan? I thought this was your plan?  
Sarge: Simmons, you know I have never come up with a failing plan.  
Simmons: But your plan if always for me to come up with a plan.  
Sarge: And that plan has never failed.  
Simmons: It just failed like ten seconds ago.  
Sarge: That was your plan.  
Simmons: No you…  
Sarge: No shame in fessing up to your failures Simmons.  
Simmons: ……FINE. Sorry for the bad plan sir.  
Sarge: Don't feel to bad Simmons. You shouldn't expect to be able to come up with plan on par with one of my masterpieces.  
Simmons: GRRRRR…  
Tucker: You two make a cute couple. But if you could hold off your domestic argument for moment, I have an actual plan. HEY SHEILA.  
--Sheila rolls up, finally making her debut--  
Tucker: Ready Sheila?  
Sheila: Yes Tucker.   
Tucker: Alright you two, keep your eyes on the tank, and don't look away.  
--Sheila starts to go forward, then reverse--

Caboose1:……  
Caboose2…….

--Sheila starts spinning her turret around in circles repeatedly--

Caboose2: What's she doing?  
Caboose1: That is a sexy tank….

--Sheila drives up on a rock, so the underside of her treads can be seen--

Caboose2: That is some poor driving skills  
Caboose1: HUBBA HUBBA!  
Sheila: My treads are getting so rusty. I wish there was a strapping blue hunk to oil me…  
Caboose: ME! PICK ME! I'LL DO IT!  
Donut: Gross.  
Tucker: There's our guy.  
Tex: Yes! Nice work.  
Sarge: Good God! What are they doing?  
88we hear, but do not see Sheila and Caboose--  
Caboose: How does that feel, my darling Sheila?  
Sheila: That feels so good. Caboose, I want you in my cockpit…  
Tucker: What have I done? It's like porn. Very poorly scripted soft-core man on tank porn! …….It's kind of hot.  
Tex: Pervert.

Simmons: Well now that we separated these two, we just have to look at the other two.  
Tucker: Should we go get them?  
Tex: Nah, lets leave 'em in the hole for a few more hours.  
in the hole  
Church: Yeah, it does sound like your job sucks.  
Grif: So I'm telling you now, I'm not going back, I'm going to trick Sarge into killing you.  
Church: Hey, I never did anything to you.  
Grif: Hey, it's a war bitch. And if I have to die, I'm certainly not going to give Sarge the satisfaction of killing me.  
Church: But if he thinks I'm you and kills me, wouldn't he get that satisfaction?  
Grif: Yeah, well, I don't care about it that much.

--end of part 7--  
--Coming up next: THE CONCLUSION!--  
--Coming soon--


	9. Ch 8: THE CONCLUSION

Part 8: THE CONCLUSION!

--The two Church's have been brought outside. WILL THEY FIGURE OUT WHICH IS THE REAL CHURCH? WILL GRIF FINALLY ESCAPE THE HELL THAT IS THE RED ARMY? WILL I STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS? LET'S SEE!--

Church1: C'mon guys, this is ridiculous! Just get rid of this guy and we can go back to the way things were!  
Tucker: Fuck that. Things sucked the way they were. I hope this knocks your cocky ass down a few pegs.  
Tex: Honestly I'd just assume killing you both right now to save time.  
Caboose: I like Church. Let's keep both Church's!  
Tucker: Caboose, both of these guys isn't Church. One of them is that guy Grif from the red team.  
Caboose: Gruf can stay too! We can have a sleepover!   
Donut: Awesome! I'll bring over my Justin Timberlake CD's!  
Tucker: No way…..unless you know some girls who can come over with you.  
Tex: What makes you think you can score with some girls at s slumber party?  
Tucker: I could care less if they get with me! It's a known fact that whenever girls have a sleepover they have pillow fights while in their underwear and practice making out on each other.  
Tex: And who told you that?  
Tucker: Church.  
Tex: And Church is…  
Tucker: A lying bastard…..oh. Damn it! Another dream dies.  
Tex: What dream? To watch underage girls make out?  
Tucker: You shouldn't crush a man's dreams….  
Caboose: Last night I dreamed that I was a sumo wrestler!  
Simmons: Anyway, maybe we should try to decide which of these guys is Grif.  
Sarge: I've been looking forward to this! Grif, there's a bullet in this gun with your name on it! Actually there are several bullets, a few grenades, and a rocket with your name on them too!  
Church1: Sucks for you man.  
Church2: Yeah….. I mean, no, it sucks for you….  
Church1: Nice comeback. So what's the plan?  
Tucker: We could bring Sheila back over.  
Tex: What good would that do? Church isn't ….ugh…attracted to Sheila.  
Tucker: Well, we could see which one Sheila shoots at. She's never hit anyone besides Church before.  
Church1: That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard.  
Church2: Wuss. Alright, bring out the tank!  
Tucker: Or maybe Tex could ask him some questions that only he would know.  
Tex: Why the hell should I ask the questions?  
Tucker: Well, you were in a relationship, weren't you?  
Tex: I wouldn't call it a relationship. More like a long string of very awkward moments.  
Tucker: So just sex then?  
Tex: Yeah.  
Sarge: Hell, enough of this soap opera shit! I'm just going to shoot them both.  
Church2: --whispers to himself-- Shit, that's not good. I've got to convince the blues I'm church, but how………………………..I've got it.  
Sarge: Say your prayers boys. What a great day. I get to kill Grif and a blue!  
Church1: God damn it. I don't want to die again….  
Tex: Wait, I think I know which one…  
Church2: No! Don't stop! You have to shoot us both!  
--all pause, and turn to look at Church2--  
Tex: What the hell are you talking about?  
Church1: I can't wait to hear this one get explained.  
Church2: The only way to ensure the safety of the blue base and the blue team is to shoot us both. Otherwise you could still be in danger. I accept that I must die so you can live.

--Tex, Tucker, Caboose, Donut, Simmons, Sarge, and Church 1 all turn and stare at Church2. A few seconds later, they all start shooting at him. He falls to the ground. His armor color changes back to the standard Grif orange.--

Grif: What…..the……hell…….how did you know it was me.  
Tucker: Church is a self-preserving ass-jack who would sacrifice his own grandmother to save his own skin.  
Tex: He could care less about the base.  
Tucker: Or his team.  
Church: What can I say; I'm a bit of a jack ass.  
Tucker: You mean ass-jack.  
Church:……for the last time Tucker. **_ASS-JACKS IS NOT A REAL FUCKING WORD!_**  
Caboose: Church! It is you! I missed you.  
Church: I've been here the whole time Caboose.  
Caboose: Yeah, but now we can talk again, just like old times!  
Church: God. Maybe it would have been better if I had been the one who got shot.  
Grif: --from the ground-- If you want we can switch anytime.  
Sarge: Well, now that this is all sorted out, we'll just be taking Grif and heading back to our base for the execution.  
Tex: I don't think so.

--Tex is behind Sarge, holding him at gunpoint. Tucker has Simmons, Caboose has Donut--  
Sarge: What the hell…  
Simmons: We agreed to a truce.  
Tex: Yes. We agreed to a truce until we got our teammates back. So our little "truce" is over.  
Simmons: You backstabbing cockbytes!  
Donut: Oh boy, a surrender! These things are always a blast!  
Simmons: Looking back, the side that surrenders usually ends up better off, so this is a good thing.  
Church: Not this time girls. Your not getting off with any prisoner trades or anything like that.  
Tex: Why don't we just kill them.  
Church: Oh no, they're not getting off that easy. What awaits them is worse than death.  
Donut: Wow, how exciting! I can't wait to see what it is!  
Tucker: Nighty night fuckers!  
--blues knock out the reds, screen goes black--

--view of canyon--  
Grif: No. No. Oh God no! NOOOOOO!  
Simmons: Agh! Get it off! Get it off of me!  
Donut: This isn't so bad. Not as bad as Grif's singing.  
Sarge: Maybe if I can bite my tongue off, I can choke to death on my own blood.  
--view switches to the reds. They have been tied to the ground in the middle of the canyon. To further the humiliation, Grif has been placed on top of Sarge, and Donut is on top of Simmons--

Donut: Gee Simmons, you sure smell nice.  
Simmons: Thanks Donut, I guess.  
Grif: Hey Sarge, you smell nice too.  
Sarge: Grif, I swear on General Grant's grave, I will pee on your corpse and rape your descendents.  
Grif: Someone's grumpy today.  
Simmons: Well, it could be worse.  
Sarge: How the hell could this possibly be worse?  
Simmons: Well, they could not be wearing underwear.

Donut: Funny you should mention that….  
--silence--  
Simmons: Okay then, it can't be worse.  
--silence--  
Donut: Who wants to play twenty questions?  
Sarge: You better watch it Pinky, or I'll kill you next.  
Donut: C'mon, it'll be fun!  
Sarge: Fine, anything to shut you up. Is it a person?  
Donut: Yessss…  
Simmons: Is it Elton John?  
Donut: Damn! How'd you know!  
Grif: Donut, you always pick Elton John.  
Donut: Oh…..

--camera panes up, showing a view of the canyon, screen goes black--

Donut: Hey, Simmons? Do you think you could reach my hatch? I've gotta pee.

The End


	10. Next time on Red vs Blue

Pwcapone: Hey guys, it's me, pwcapone. Don't worry, there's more Red vs. Blue to come. I'm still not really sure where they would into the Red vs. Blue storyline, but the previous story takes place during the Halo 1 period, and the new one takes place in the Halo 2 blood gulch, probably some point in the future. The new story will pick up after the end of my last scene. I intend to bring in some of the supporting characters this time, and maybe a few of my own. Think of this as a new season that --**BANG**, bullet hits pwcapone in shoulder-- the HELL!  
--Red team is standing on top of a nearby hill, all holding sniper rifles--  
pwcapone: GOD DAMMIT YOU GUYS! I'm trying to have a conversation over here!  
Grif: I'm so tired of listening to this guys shit! Don't stop shooting!  
Sarge: No one makes the reds lose a battle and lives to write about it!  
--all start firing. Pwcapone dodges as bullets hit the ground around him.--  
pwcapone: shitshitshit!  
--ducks behind a rock--  
Simmons: This isn't working, get the rocket launcher.  
Donut: Oh, boy! I've always wanted to fire this thing.  
Pwcapone: Wait, we can compromise! I'll make things better for you guys this time!  
Sarge: We're listening.  
Pwcapone: I can get you ships! Real flying type ships! And lasers!  
Simmons: We don't need weapons.  
Pwcapone: What do you want?  
Simmons: Chicks!  
Grif: Snack cakes!  
Donut: Red armor!  
Pwcapone: I don't know about the armor...  
--Donut fires rocket launcher, pwcapone goes flying--  
Pwcapone: I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo...  
--is launched out of sight over a hill--  
Sarge: Well, that was an oddly animeish ending.  
Donut: You know what be really cool? Giant fighting robots! We should have asked for that.  
Grif: That does sound cool.  
Donut: We would each drive one, and they would combine to form the mega donut mach five! We would fight giant monsters created by an evil witch and her flying gold space monkey!  
Grif: That quickly became disturbingly like Power Rangers. Maybe we should be happy with anything we get.  
Donut: Quick, back to the base! I want my new armor!  
Grif: Snack cakes!  
Simmons: Chicks!  
Sarge: It's like Christmas in September. Alright, run along kids.  
Donut: YAY!  
--blue base--  
Tucker: What's all that noise over there?  
Church: --Looking through sniper rifle-- The reds are blowing the shit out of that Alabama fag.  
Tucker: Oh. Is he dead?  
Church: God I hope so.

--Next time on Red vs. Blue—

--Pwcapone presents: Red vs. Blue: The brave new world….or bravish anyway—

--Coming Sooner than you think--


End file.
